I have a complicated relationship with cooking.

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It all started when I was 11 and signed up for a baking workshop at school. After two days of being buried in cookies and brownies in our school’s Science Activity Centre (or SAC lab, as we called it), I spent that winter break trying all the recipes again.

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Everyone in my family has a sweet tooth, so there was never a problem with finding takers for all that I made. We are known to be a little stingy with praise, so when everyone said they enjoyed the desserts, I thought there was no reason to stop. So I continued to bake.

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Masterchef Australia came along and added fuel to the fire. And at around 13, I decided that I would grow up and become a pastry chef. The dream was to go to Cordon Bleu and study pastry.

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When it was time to go to college, my mother threw a curveball at me. Studying pastry at Cordon Bleu was a 9-month diploma course. “That isn’t an education,” my mother said. She said I could go study pastry but after I had a degree. And that was that. I enrolled in Delhi University and continued to cook.

 

In the winter break of my first year, I worked in the pastry kitchen of a prestigious hotel in Delhi. And to my surprise, I hated it. It was a two-week apprenticeship and on Day 10, I was in tears, saying I didn’t want to go. I did. I completed two weeks and got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

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I began to realize that maybe the chef’s life wasn't for me. Being a chef meant being tired all the time, being on your feet the whole day and missing holidays and festivals with your family. It wasn’t the life I wanted. But I loved baking.

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So I struggled and resisted letting go of this dream. I felt like I had failed to hold on to my passion. And I stopped cooking for almost a year.

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But what is it they say about something you love? Set it free and it'll come back? Well, I set it free and my love for cooking came back. I started cooking again for friends and family. I didn't like fancy looking food (the Masterchef obsession was finally over). I liked homely almond cakes and chocolate truffle cakes that became a birthday staple for us.

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When I moved out of my home last year, my relationship with cooking changed again.

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I learnt to make good old dal chawal and vegetables. I got recipes from my mother and when they turned out well, I felt like I had unlocked a new level in a video game. Cooking these meals became a connection to home. Sure, getting a cab was a giant pain in the butt, but I could come back and make myself paneer that tasted exactly how it does at home. The familiarity was comforting. Now after a year of learning to cook vegetables, this year is for learning to cook meats and salads.

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Maybe the chef's life isn't for me. There is no guilt of abandoning that dream because I know my love for food and my love for cooking will stay. Perhaps I’ll share it with the world someday. Till then, I continue to wear the chef’s hat (metaphorically) and cooking up a storm in my kitchen.